Most clients come to coaching because they want to change something in their lives. I begin our work together by asking them to describe how they are living now, what they want or need to change, and why. This question is about much more than what we do for a living. It’s about the whole way we focus our lives at work, at home, and everywhere in between.
Charting a path to change usually involves identifying the extent to which the client's life is being shaped by default behaviors. In the world of technology, the default is a preselected option that the machine uses unless it is told otherwise. For example, a mobile phone app will probably default to using English for users in the U.S. A field meant to contain a phone number will default to ten characters.
Humans are not machines, but we have our own default behaviors--actions that we choose without thinking about them. They may be habits or routines or even compulsions, and they can extend well beyond the 40% of so of our daily habits that psychologists label default behaviors. Some people’s adult lives have unfolded by default, shaped by the expectations of family or the larger society. They may feel constrained by a set of beliefs about what is acceptable, and they default to expectations when they are faced with choices. People may feel temporarily or permanently trapped in a cage of expectations.
A life that has unfolded by default may look satisfactory on the outside, but it may not feel quite right on the inside. Most clients come to coaching to aiming to replace a default life with a designed one. (Click here for an earlier blog post on designing a life.)
The designed life is one where we are not on autopilot, but we are piloting the plane, charting a course for the way we want to live. It means that we have to recognize when we are falling back on default behaviors and retake control of our choices.
For example, if a client tells me she wants to incorporate more play in her life, we may work together to incorporate specific playful activities into her schedule. But it's easy to fall back on the old default behaviors. After a couple of weeks or months of mindfully incorporating more play in her schedule, the client might gradually default to old habits of working too much or saying no to opportunities for play.
Living a designed life requires intentional choices, not default behaviors.
A designed life is not a perfect life. Sometimes bad things happen--illnesses and losses beyond our control--that disrupt our best efforts at life design. A well-designed life requires experimentation, and we may need to make frequent course corrections, but living by design instead of by default can inject a deep level of vitality and satisfaction in our lives.
What do you need to do to choose a designed life?