In the past month, here are some of the things clients have said to me. An accomplished professional with two advanced degrees said, “I wish I was as capable as everyone around me thinks I am.” A gifted writer who crafts elegant and moving sentences said, “I don’t think I’m a good enough writer to write this book.” A leader with over a decade in her role and a track record of generating positive change in a hidebound organization said, “I don’t think I have the skills or experience to apply for that job.”
And these clients are not unique. We all say things like this to ourselves all the time. Even the most highly accomplished people fall prey to this kind of self-talk. To give only one example, in 2014, prolific writer Stephen King told a Rolling Stone interviewer, “I’m afraid of failing at whatever story I’m writing—that it won’t come up for me, or that I won’t be able to finish it.”
There are several names for this kind of self-talk. Some call it self-doubt. Others call it “imposter syndrome,” a phrase coined by psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in 1997. Writer Neil Gaiman’s wife calls it the “Fraud Police.” I prefer to call it the inner critic.
The inner critic is the voice that tells us we are not good enough, not smart enough, not strong enough, not lovable enough. It is the voice that spins round and round. When we are overwhelmed by the inner critic voice, we ruminate and get stuck contemplating worst case scenarios.
In short, the inner critic gets in the way of our larger goals. It emerges when we are considering stepping outside our comfort zones to the learning zones I wrote about last month. In her 2011 book, The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women, Valerie Young noted that the inner critic voices lead us to engage in a host of unhelpful behaviors. We may overprepare to compensate for self-doubt. Or we may veer to the opposite extreme of self-sabotage, showing up late or unprepared. We may engage in people-pleasing behaviors designed to gain approval. We may limit our efforts, keep a low profile, procrastinate, or fail to finish projects. These behaviors may keep us safe from the failure that the inner critic warns us about, but they also keep us from realizing our deepest dreams.
It’s important to understand that the inner critic voice does not intend to harm us. Indeed, in ancient times, the human brain evolved this inner voice as a constant monitor of potential threats in a dangerous world. As executive coach Jerry Colonna puts it in his book Reboot: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up (2019), “Those critical voices—the ones whispering that we are no good, less than, a fake—are ironically, meant to soothe us and keep us safe. The voice of the inner critic is meant to protect us from humiliation and shame, from the risks of being found out—from being seen as the imposter, the charlatan, we fear we may be—or think we already know we are.”
When clients’ inner critic voices start coming up in our work together, the first step we take is to learn to recognize that inner critic voice and separate it from themselves. In moments when anxiety, fear, and self-doubt are holding them back, I ask them to stop and say, “My inner critic is telling me _______ about this situation.” I go so far as to suggest that they mentally thank the inner critic but remind them, “I don’t need your help with this.”
Pausing to recognize that the inner critic voice is playing on repeat is often quite effective at helping clients move forward in spite of their doubts. As executive coach Tara Mohr puts it in her book Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead (2015), “The goal is to hear the inner critic’s voice but not let that voice determine your choices.”
The next time you find that broken record of the inner critic playing in your head, try to pause, recognize the critic, thank her (or him or them) for her help but let her know you don’t need her today.
And if you’re interested in more strategies for managing the inner critic, watch my future newsletters for an upcoming “Managing the Inner Critic” virtual workshop, coming soon.