I try to help clients drill down into ways they can achieve more control over the boundaries between work and the rest of their lives. Recently I’ve been digging into some of the research, and I’ve realized that simply drawing better boundaries or practicing better time management are not always the solutions to clients’ sense the work and life are out of balance. The issue is often more complex than work bleeding into life.
Embodied Presence
At the time, I insisted that my friend was wrong, but his words echoed in my head. I started to pay attention to the way I carried myself when I walked into meetings and receptions. I realized that he was absolutely right: I was scurrying around the edges of a room like a mouse who didn’t want to be seen. I made up my mind to shift my behavior. I made it a practice to pause and take a deep breath before entering a room, to stand up straighter and relax my arms at my sides and then enter the room making eye contact and greeting people.
Effort and Grace
My 2023 in Books
From the time I learned to read, books have been my solace, my inspiration, my escape, and my constant companions. I simply love to read, and I love to read a wide range of things. When I retired from teaching in 2017, the thing I was most looking forward to was to have more time to read—and to read more of the books I wanted to read rather than those I needed to read for my work. I have read more in the past six years, but 2023 is the first year since childhood that I’ve come close to reading to my heart’s content.
What Do You Live For?
What do you live for?
That’s a question posed by Dr. Gladys McGarey in her book The Well-Lived Life: A 102-Year-Old Doctor’s Six Secrets to Health and Happiness at Every Age. Now 103, Dr. McGarey, a board-certified physician of holistic and integrated medicine, is still seeing patients.
Do You Need to Update Your Operating System?
Operating systems aren’t confined to computers. We have them in lots of realms in our lives even if we don’t call them that. Laws. Traffic systems. Financial systems. It’s the underlying set of assumptions, routines, and processes that keep things working smoothly.
You and I also have our personal operating systems. These are the routines and mindsets that we use to organize our lives and keep things running smoothly.
The Constant Thread
Making Space for Awe
Dealing with a Chronic Complainer
I often work with clients on the challenges of managing interpersonal relationships at work. A few weeks ago, a client shared her weariness with colleagues who engaged in constant “handwringing.” I wanted to understand what she meant, so I asked if these folks were venting about workplace frustrations. She explained that they went beyond venting to chronic complaining, covering the same worn ground over and over. My client tried to help these co-workers see various situations in a more positive frame or to brainstorm solutions to the problems to no avail, and she came away from these conversations feeling exhausted. They sapped her motivation, and she was actively avoiding particular people so that she wouldn’t be sucked into these interactions again and again.
Intentional Time Management
Time—or the sense that there is a lack of it--is one of my coaching clients’ most common challenges and sources of stress. Psychologists have noted that the “real or perceived sense that there is not enough time available” to complete tasks results in a particular type of stress that they call time pressure. Clients ask me for time management tools in order to reduce stress.
Your Life in Third Person
Writing a Better Story for Your Relationships
In this month’s post, I interviewed psychologist Karen Skerrett about her work on the ways that the stories that couples tell about their lives together—which she calls “We-Stories”--can shape the quality of their relationships. I met Karen (virtually) and learned about her work last fall when she participated in my workshop series called Writing a Better Story for Your Life. I thought readers would like to know more about her work.
I want to be the kind of person who ______________.
Last month I wrote about why it can be so hard for human beings to make change. Even if we are deeply unhappy with some aspects of our lives, we often resist making change and stumble and backslide when we do try to change. This month, I want to look more closely at some effective strategies for making major life changes. The key to many life changes is changing our behaviors, and changing behaviors is about changing habits.
Why Change is Hard
But no matter how worthy our intentions, it is easy for us to lose sight of them and slip back into old habits. One of the first things I learned in coaching training is that human beings have a deep and often subconscious resistance to change, even to the change that we KNOW we want for ourselves. As psychologist James O. Prochaska writes, “However healthy change may be, it threatens our security, and sometimes even self-defeating security feels better than none.”
My 2022 In Books
From the moment I learned to decipher the words on the pages of books, I’ve been a voracious reader. I read everything I could get my hands on including the newspaper, my mother’s magazines, the backs of cereal boxes, and books with themes that were far too adult that I found at my grandmother’s house.
Writing a Third Chapter for Your Life
Clients often come to me for support in deciding when and how to navigate retirement. It’s a life stage that sociologist Sarah Lawrence-Lightfoot has called the third chapter of life. These clients are ready—or nearly ready—to retire from their main careers, but they have concerns.
The Temptation to Fix Things or What Not to Give to the Folks Around You This Holiday Season
One of the biggest challenges for me as a coach is to resist the temptation to tell clients how they can fix things. Often a client will outline a dilemma or a problem, and my first impulse is to scroll through the list of possible solutions in my brain and say, “You can fix that by doing _________________.”
In this season of giving, I’ve been thinking about this business of fixing things for others and chronic advice giving. I’ve concluded that advice should not be on my gift list.
Managing Your Inner Critic
In the past month, here are some of the things clients have said to me. An accomplished professional with two advanced degrees said, “I wish I was as capable as everyone around me thinks I am.” A gifted writer who crafts elegant and moving sentences said, “I don’t think I’m a good enough writer to write this book.” A leader with over a decade in her role and a track record of generating positive change in a hidebound organization said, “I don’t think I have the skills or experience to apply for that job.”
Comfort Zones, Learning Zones
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about comfort zones.
The pandemic forced most of us to stay in our comfort zones a good part of the time. We weren’t visiting new places, meeting new people, or taking on new challenges to the same degree as before. But as I talk with clients and friends and loved ones, I keep hearing things like, “I don’t think I want to leave my Covid bubble. I’m going to stay in my comfort zone.” As we feel our way into living with a new endemic disease, some people are finding themselves reluctant to break out of their comfort zones at all. I get that, but I worry that this path could be dangerous for our long-term well-being.
