Too often, when we are feeling frustrated, stuck, burned out, or unhappy, it grows out of a fundamental misalignment between our values and the way we spend our days. That’s why I spend a lot of time helping clients identify their values and then better align the ways they live and work with those values. It sounds simple, but it actually requires a lot of thought and mindfulness.
One reason we may lose sight of our values is that we think of them as rules or constraints—the “shoulds” in our lives. Values aren’t externally imposed. They are priorities and believes that we choose freely core principles about what matters to each of us. Values determine our priorities and the choices we make in our lives. Psychologist Susan David calls values “qualities of purposeful action that we can bring to many aspects of our lives.”[i] A value is a tool. I like to think of it as a directional point on your personal compass.
Values aren’t universal. I might value stability while you value adventure. As a result of the difference in our values, choices that feel affirming and safe to me might feel stifling to you. I might value status and achievement while you might value collaboration. And values will probably change over time. For example, for much of my life, I valued achievement, but as I approach sixty, I value fun and connection far more than achievement.
When I suspect that some of a client’s frustration and “stuckness” may grow out of a misalignment between their current values and the ways they spend their days, I suggest they complete a set of journaling questions about values drawn from Susan David’s work. I ask them about what they value most and what they want their lives to be about. The single most powerful question in that exercise is this one: What did I do today that was actually worth my time? That question gets at the heart of whether someone is spending their time in ways that match their values. If I value community and connection, but I spent the entire day working at my computer doing paperwork that had nothing to do with community or connection—and if most of my days display a similar mismatch—then I may need to make some adjustments.
Susan David writes, “The ultimate litmus test for any action should be this: Is it going to get me closer to being the person I want to be?”[ii] In other words: what actions do I need to take today to get me closer to living in alignment with my values?
In her book The Writing Life, novelist Annie Dillard famously said “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing.”
Frequently our values and our lives become misaligned because we get caught up in the demands of daily life and don’t have time to reflect on what’s important to us—and how our values might be shifting over time. Leadership coach Tara Mohr has observed that coaching works because it provides people with “space to unravel their thoughts and feelings in words.”[iii] My challenge for you today is to take some time to unravel your thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself: what did I do today that was actually worth my time? What does that tell me about my own values and how well my life aligns with my values? What do I need to change?
[i] Susan David, Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life (New York: Avery, 2016): 121.
[ii] David, p. 181.
[iii] Tara Mohr, “Playing Big Coach and Facilitators Training,” March 2, 2021.